Thursday, May 29, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Not To Join Scientology

I don't feel like writing much today because I have a cold, but it came to my attention that someone at the Church of Scientology on Hollywood Blvd. had read my post yesterday. So in honor of them, here is my Top 10 List Of Reasons On Why Not To Join Scientology.

1. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
2. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
3. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
4. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
5. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
6. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
7. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
8. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
9. Charles Manson was a Scientologist.
10.Charles Manson was a Scientoligist.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Scientology Gone Wild

This is the Scientology Celebrity Centre that sits across the street on Franklin Avenue from one of my favorite places to meet my friends for dinner, La Poubelle. I have sat at the tables outside on the sidewalk on countless nights, watching Scientology buses (big buses) full of people, drive in and out of the "Celebrity Centre". This can be at midnight. I'm always wondering what in the world they're doing, driving around in buses late at night?

I also wonder why a "religion" has a building dedicated to celebrities in the first place? What other religious group or spiritual group has a building dedicated to celebrities?

Scientology owns SO many HUGE buildings around LA that it's scary. I'm talking about hospital sized HUGE (they own a building that actually used to be a hospital) buildings. What are they doing in there that they need so much space? And why have I never seen one of their buildings in a poor neighborhood?

I just noticed a few days ago that they are setting up camp in Malibu now. The building that they have in Malibu is not a huge building, it's kinda small, but they don't have any huge buildings in Malibu aside from Pepperdine University.

A few years back, I was approached by a Scientologist dude in a suit. I decided to play along with him. He asked me to fill out a "personality profile". He told me that there was no obligation at all, and that they would mail me back the results. I asked him to clarify what "no obligations" meant several times. He said that I would not have to go into any of their facilities or meet with anyone at all to get my "personality profile" results. Someone would just mail me my results. That's all.

I knew there was a hook but I couldn't see it because I had asked him to clarify so many times. So, I filled out the profile. He said that he would give me some time to fill it out and he would come back to pick it up from me in a bit.

This profile asked questions like "Have you ever felt sad", "Have you ever felt angry", "Have you ever had a twitch in your eye", "Have you ever had a stomach ache", "Have you ever felt like crying" or "Have you ever felt pain in your knee". I ask you, who in the hell would not answer YES to all of these questions?

The Scientologist dude in a suit came back and picked up my profile. And I asked him AGAIN to clarify how I would be receiving my results. He told me that they would be mailed to me.

About a week went by and I get this phone call. It was somebody calling me from one of those HUGE buildings. The man on the phone told me that he indeed had my results from my "personality profile". He said how unfortunate it was that they couldn't mail the results back to me because they had "lost" my address and could I come in to get my results in person? I told him how very odd that was because the same form that I had used to write my phone number on was the same exact form that I wrote my address on.

He didn't budge and there was the hook that I had been looking for all along.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

P.S. I wonder if Will & Jada had to take the test?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Step Up Crew vs. M & M Crew Dance Off

I wanted to write about this because I guess that not as many people know about it as I thought. My 12 year old nephew didn't know and he knows EVERYTHING. This has been going on since April. The "Step Up" crew and the "Miley & Mandy" crew have been doing a dance off. I can't get over how amazing the "STEP UP" crew are. I mean REALLY amazing.

I'm only posting the "Step Up" crews videos. If you want to watch the "M & M" crew, you will have to search YouTube yourself.

Video 1

Video 2

Monday, May 26, 2008

Sallie & Jason MR A-Z

This is Sallie and her BFF Jason Mraz. Not a very good quality shot because I took it with Jason's pass around Polaroid camera after his show at the Troubadour one night. Sallie is probably going to hate this photo and hate me for using it. Sorry Sallie.

Sallie and Jason have been friends for a loooong time, since they met at that "Fame" school of the arts in New York. Sallie used to be a singer (she still should be cuz her voice rocks) and she and Jason became fast friends because they are both very silly creatures by nature.

Before Jason became famous (way before) , Sallie asked me to go with her to some random bar (Rusty's Surf Ranch WTF?) on the Santa Monica Pier to listen to her friend sing. You have to do this kinda shit all the time when you live in LA and I'm thinking that this is really gonna suck. Most of the time when you get suckered into going to see one of your friends friends play it DOES suck. But I went along with it because I'm sure that I had asked her to go somewhere with me before that she really didn't want to go to. And there was an Arby's in Santa Monica that we were headed to first. And we both loved Arby's.

When we got to Rusty's there were like 10 people in the whole place. I think 9 of them were Jason's friends. When Jason got up on stage by himself with his guitar and began to entertain us, I was hooked forever. I couldn't believe that this kid wasn't signed. He really was amazing and I had a sinking suspicion that a few of his songs were written about Sallie.

After a few more years of going to see Jason play almost every week at little dive spots around LA, he was signed and the rest is history. I found this video a while back of Jason playing to a crowd in Sweden. This shit is crazy. Their first language is NOT English, yet they are singing along to every flipping word!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Come On Out Lindsey

Tis' the season for lesbo love. It's very popular to be a wanna-be lesbian in Los Angeles these days. This has been going on for a while now and I think that it's going to be a while for this fad to crash. I'm not sure how the real lesbians feel about this but something tells me that they don't mind one bit. It just opens up the playing field a little more.

Everytime I go out, I see girls hanging all over each other , grabbing each others crotch and tits and kissing and tonguing each other. These are not lesbians that I'm talking about. I see these type of girls doing it ONLY if there are guys around to watch. I guess that they think that they are being so shocking and so daring. In my opinion, their just stupid tramp ho's. I see them all the time on Myspace too, with endless photos of themselves making out with their friends. I'd love to see what would go down if a real lesbian got a hold of them. Do you think they would still wanna play make-out?

WTF are they thinking? It just seems like a means to an end to get what they really want, which is attention from some dude. Makes no sense to me.

I just got off of the phone with my friend Sallie (this is NOT her real name but I call her Sallie and she calls me Sally) and she told me that I should write about "how come nobody is getting it that Linlo is munching on Samro's carpet?". Hellooo? You don't have to live in Hollywood to know this stuff do you?

Sallie and I both have our own sources that are very good sources and we know that Linds is playing at being a big lesbo. Linds has been lesboing around town for quite some time now, even before Samro.

But THIS is serious. CNN breaking news kind of serious. <-- I hope you know I kid. These two are shacking up now and seeing that it's legal in California to get married and all, shouldn't Linlo make an honest woman out of Samro? Or is she just playing to get Wilmer back:)

Sam the true blue, could do so much better than that Red Muffin. Don't you think?

Can you get pregnant from a strap-on?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Movie Star Matt & Orson At My Place

Photo property of Hollywood Hills Life

This is Matt. The one and only fabulous MATT SCHULZE from movies like The Fast And The Furious (Vince), Blade 1 (Crease) and Blade 2 (Chupa the blood sucking vampire), The Transporter (Wall Street), Torque (Henry James), Mr. Brooks (Thorton Meeks) and a bunch of other stuff.

Photo property of Hollywood Hills Life

Matt is my best friend so I am probably going to be promoting the hell out of him here on my blog. Best friends do that kinda shit shamelessly, right? This photo is of Matt and Orson (his doggie, my God-doggie) at my place. I will probably also be posting a lot of photos of Orson too because he is just so beee-u-ti-ful!

Photo property of Hollywood Hills Life

My best friend is very talented and I don't think that many people know that he can play the guitar like a mofo. Check out this video of him playing with David Bowie's drummer.

I have been trying to talk him into putting a band together for a while now. It's hard because he has been working really hard on his new project "The Acquirer" which he is writing, directing and starring in one of the worlds first webisodes (I may have just made that word up). He shot it like a movie, only he did the whole thing in High Definition which looks awesome.

Check it out because you can watch the whole thing for free on . Tom Sizemore (Saving Private Ryan) and May Andersen (Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Addition) are also in it. Matt and Tom are amazing in it but to be perfectly honest, May sucks. Oh well, what can you do? She was not the first choice and the original actress had to bail out because of a contract that could not be undone. The clock was ticking and Matt did the best that he could with finding an 11Th hour replacement. At least May is nice to look at.

Photobucket Photo property of Hollywood Hills Life

Most of the first episode (webisode) was filmed in Paris and the footage is so gorgeous. I'm really proud of Matt. He did an awesome job. Not many people could pull off what he did with the budget, crew and time that he had to work with. If you only knew...


They have been advertising "The Acquirer" Episode 1 as a action genre . I don't know why. Maybe because Matt has played a lot of action characters, but it is not so action based. There are fight scenes but it is more about introducing you to his character Lucien and the path that he is on as an international jewelry thief. It is more of an artsy-thriller because Matt is very visual.

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep bugging him to get a band together. Maybe he will find the time at some point.



Friday, May 23, 2008

LC'S Apartment In "The Hills"

OK. This has bugged me for a long time. Lauren's old apartment in "The Hills" is NOT in the hills.

Her apartment was in "The Palazzo" on 6th St. which is located in Park La Brea which is in the flats, not up in the hills.

When the show first started, they were showing shots as if it was located up in Sunset Plaza. Then one day I went over to my friend Danielle's place and she mentioned that I should take a look out her window and view the building across the street because that was where LC was liv'n.

The whole Sunset Plaza thing was a scam. I guess that they decided against naming the show "The Flats" or a more generic "Park La Brea" or even better "The La Brea Tar Pits". That woulda been the winner in my book.

Wouldn't it have been awesome to see LC throw Heidi and Spratt into the Tar Pits and to watch Heidi's boobs and lips and nose melt? Does anybody know someone who works for production on "The Hills" who could set this up?


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Laurel Canyon

I live in Laurel Canyon. The photo above is of Jim Morrison's house which is also in Laurel Canyon. That is not actually "the" house that he lived in though. The original house was torn down a while ago to build this house. The house that I am referring to is the brown one on the right. My friend Andy used to live next door to it (above the Canyon Cleaners) when the remains of Jim's house was still there. It was cool. Someone had written MR. MOJO RISING on the front of the old place. It was empty for a very long time aside from Johhny Junk who moved in. We figured out that Johnny Junk was living there because Andy found an electrical cord that was running from Jim's old house into Andy's. When he unplugged it, Johnny appeared wondering why his radio had shut off.

Andy's car that he had for 100 years parked outside the "old" Caioti Pizza below Canyon Store

I love living in Laurel Canyon because you are up in the woods with nature but at the same time the chaos of Sunset Boulevard is only 2 minutes away. I have lived in this neighborhood for 8 years. It's good to be out of the flat land! The canyon has a lot of history. Jimi Hendrix used to live down at the bottom of my street and Houdini lived across the street from Jimi. Not at the same time of course. Duh! Next door to Jimi's house is where Frank Zappa lived and around the corner from me is where the "Wonderland" murders happened. The canyon is where a lot of music has been made. So many famous musicians have lived here. Joni Mitchell, The Mamas and The Papas, The Byrds, Graham Nash, Dusty Springfield, Keith Richards, The Red Hot Chili Peppers and more. Musicians that I know live here now are Marilyn Manson, Justin Timberlake, Pete Wentz and John Frusciante. It still has a hippie element to it which fulfills the hippie in me, but now a lot of yuppies have moved in because they all want their kid in the Wonderland School. That really blows. They all drive like assholes through the windy streets in their fucking Range Rovers.


There are a lot of actors who live in my hood too. That's the thing about living around here. My friends who don't live in LA always ask me about the actors that I know or who I've met and where do I see them? My answer is everyone and everywhere. This is my neighborhood. This is their neighborhood. You go to the same grocery store and B-B-Ques and hair salon and events and car wash. You see them and meet them everywhere.


I wish there were still a bunch of musicians who lived around here. To me, they are the real celebrities. I get all freaked out and nervous whenever I have met a musician who I am a fan of. They can let you down too as far as personalities go, but who cares? They can fucking rock!

Canyon Country Store




Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My First Post

A picture is worth a thousand words (or is it a million these days), right? That is why I wanted to start of my blog with this photo. My friend Sallie (not her real name) took it and I really think that it says it all. The Hollywood Hills are on fire and nobody cares!

Everyone in LA is so into their own world that they can't be bothered with something such as fire. Big deal, I gotta get my nails done. Who cares, is that bitch skinnier than me? Whatever, check out my new tat. Move it asshole, I have a date at the dog park. Ask me if I care, did you see Mary Kate hurl at Hyde last night? I did but she was rockn' these pair of Christian Louboutins that I would rip her hair out for. Wait! Is that smoke coming from Griffith Park or Nichols Canyon? Fuck! Is that by my house? Shit!

Don't get me wrong. I love this town. I really love it. But almost everyone here is crazy- selfish. I think that is because most people here are not FROM here. This city is made up of young people and foreigners. Not much in between. There is always a lot of transition here. People come and go all the time.

Trying to find a place to live is a job all of its own. You are competing with a million other people who are looking at the same place. It's a lot easier when you know people. It's kind of like getting into the new hot spot. You have to know people. Nine times out of ten you pass your old place onto one of your friends or someone you know through one of your friends. That is also how you find your new place. This is much easier to do after you have lived here a long time. I feel so sorry for people when they have just moved here. It sucks for them. They have no idea where to live and end up in some crappy apartment in some crappy neighborhood. Hood being the operative word. That is when you lie in bed at night and count the gunshots. 1-2-3-4-5. It's kind of like a game that you play when you are trying to fall asleep. Or, you play the game of how far away was that shot from my apartment? Three streets over? One night after counting the gunshots I realized... Hey! They are shooting at someone! Someone is being shot at! Did someone just get shot? I'm laying in my bed and I'm listening to someone get shot! Oh Shit! But then you wake up and it's a beautiful new day. It's always a beautiful day. That is one thing you can count on.

I always tell new people that they will hate it here for the first two years. You are not going to know where you fit in. You will pay a butt load of money for a shitty apartment. Your jobs will suck. People will suck even more. It won't be the dream that you thought it would be. If you want to be an actor (My heart sinks. God bless you, you will need it), Hollywood has NOT been waiting for you to arrive so don't take it the wrong way. The 99 Cents store is on Fairfax and 6TH Street. There is also one on La Brea. Yes, there is traffic. Get used to it! Parking also sucks and you will have to pay for it wherever you go. Get used to that too! If you ask someone how long it takes to get somewhere, they are always going to tell you that it takes 10 minutes. Not true and you will start telling people the same thing. I don't know why we say "The" before every freeway but we do. The 405, the 101, the 10. When you finally make some friends, they are not going to pick you up when you go out with them. You have to meet them there. This comes from the fact that we have commitment issues here. Nothing against you. Well, maybe it is against you but either way you will have to drive yourself there. I don't care if it only takes 10 minutes to get to your place. If that is even the truth (it's not), you gotta move dude! Going to the beach in Santa Monica at night might seem like a great idea but anyone who has lived here for MORE than 2 years will not be going with you. It's a bad idea. It's a really bad idea. Johnny Junk is going to ask you for money every time you get out of your car. Expect this. I don't care where you are, he will be there with his hand out. Even at the ATM, like you're going to give Johnny Junk a twenty. You only have $23.67 in your account and you're going to the 99 Cents store! So, you need to decide what your response will be. In the past, I have made friends with a few Johnnie's and only give to them. It's easier and you will have less guilt. Feel free to offer your doggie bag if you didn't eat off of it. If you are going to turn Johnny Junk down on the loan, look him in the eye. Don't pretend that you don't see him. It's not nice. When you ask people to do something, their answer will be "Maybe". Again, this is the commitment thing. You will have to turn left on a yellow or most likely, a red light. Don't be a pussy. Get out there and go or else everyone will be aiming all of their road rage at YOU. You will miss wherever your hometown is. You will feel sad, lonely, poor, sorry for yourself and out of sorts but one day around the 2 year mark while you are on a plane and landing at LAX after visiting the place where you grew up, you will look down onto Los Angeles and say to yourself "I'm home".